Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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