I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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