I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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