I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
