I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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