i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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