I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize