a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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