so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
