Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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