If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
