We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Randomize