If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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