you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
