I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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