Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
