as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
