mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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