How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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