1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
