Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
