It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
