i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
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