what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
