you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
