I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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