I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
