I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
