So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
