If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
