So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
