just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The beer is more important than you right now.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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