just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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