I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
