My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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