It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
