I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
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