my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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