I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
