I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
