The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
