I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She's the barista slut.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
