Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
