cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
