Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
