You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
