Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
