Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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