I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
