I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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