Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
