If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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