My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
