Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
