I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
