thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
