just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
