the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
