you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
