Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
