I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
