I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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