I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
