what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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