She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
