you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
