Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
